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Will Dexter's Save Madison?

You pay for honesty here, dear subscriber, ClassicWisconsin has pledged to you from the very beginning -- from the time ClassicWisconsin was a little lake perch-eater in knickers -- you would get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but something close to the truth.

Madison sucks.

If you’re looking for a good fish fry -- and who the hell isn’t? Who? - Madison is not the place. That our capital city has traditionally underachieved in fish frys is one of the worst-kept secrets in Wisconsin, ranking right up there with Frank Lloyd Wright being a deadbeat and Curly Lambeau bedding his players’ girlfriends.

There are some notable exceptions in the Madison fish fry scene (Toby’s Supper Club south of the Beltline is the best among them), but what does it say when a real-deal Wisconsin fish fry is the exception in our state capital?

It says “sucky,” that’s what it says.

You know what else it says? Ocean perch. Ocean goddamn perch. Many of the places touted as the best in the Madison pass off ocean perch as the traditional Wisconsin perch fry. You know as well as classicwisconsin does, dear subscriber, this is an affront to most everything we hold dear. Your daddy did not eat ocean perch with his boys from the 32nd Division down at the VFW hall. Your grandmammy did not spend countless hours on the Fourth of July cleaning ocean perch, swilling Schlitz and lighting fireworks with her cigarette (all at the same time).

The next time somebody slides a plate of ocean perch in front you, locate the establishment’s owner, clutch his or her head in your hands, kiss him or her on the lips and whisper through gritted teeth, “I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart.”

Dexter’s Pub received no kiss of death from ClassicWisconsin. Not even close. To the contrary, ClassicWisconsin is pinning the salvation of Madison on the freshwater fish being dished from the corner of Dexter’s tavern.

The breading on the bluegill, lake perch and walleye (the holy trinity of fish frys, no less) was tissue thin.

ClassicWisconsin takes tissue-thin breading very seriously. Breading so thin it would be invisible if any thinner is the standard. That and coleslaw swimming in vinegar. Dexter’s does it right on both counts, though ClassicWisconsin wished the coleslaw portion was more substantial and had to compensate later at home by taking a dip in an inflatable pool full of shredded cabbage and vinegar.

It doesn’t stop with the fish. Saturday nights feature prime rib from Knoche’s butcher shop in Middleton.

“I think this placed used to be called Steven’s,” ClassicWisconsin said to the bartendress who graciously served dinner at the bar (bonus points). “It had more Elvis decanters than a Memphis gas station."

“Yeah, that’s what I hear, but that was before my time,” she said. “I would have been back in North Dakota then.”

Good God, let’s not revive anyone’s memories of growing up in North Dakota. Or Memphis gas stations for that matter.

ClassicWisconsin recovered nicely.

“Er, do you have a newspaper?”

She did.

The news of the day came from a few miles up the road. Earlier in the year legislators had passed a rule barring themselves from accepting campaign donations during state budget deliberations. But here it was a few short months later, the state budget was in play and legislators were eagerly polishing their balls in preparation for a $1,000 per-person golf fundraiser in the Dells.

Instead of saying, “Screw you, people, we do whatever the hell we want,” the Assembly speaker explained the fundraiser from both sides of his mouth. The ban on kickbacks, he said, applied to individual campaigns, not campaign committees like the one holding the golf outing (which, in turn, launder the money to the individual candidates). Ok, thanks for the lowdown. We get it. Our legislators are not just money-grubbing fuckfaces, they're hypocritical money-grubbing fuckfaces too.

It’s enough to make you lose your fish fry. Fortunately Dexter’s lake perch had been breaded so lightly ClassicWisconsin could not imagine reversing direction, at least not until meeting a legislator.

Stepping outside Dexter’s at the corner of East Johnson and North Street, ClassicWisconsin was thrilled by the sight of two Wienermobiles traveling in tandem to the nearby Oscar Mayer plant, yet the feeling was made bittersweet knowing the enormous rolling hot dogs are hardly the biggest weenies in town.

ClassicWisconsin.com 2009

Dexter's Pub, 301 North St., Madison (Web Site)

Michael Bie
ClassicWisconsin.com 2009